Today I’m not okay

Today my arms are stinging.

It was just another day where fresh scars are added to my arms. I keep trying and trying to fight back against my depression and anxiety and trauma, and I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I feel like no matter how hard I try to fight, it will never be enough. I don’t feel like I can win this battle. I’m seeing blood seep down my arms more times than I should, I feel tears in my eyes more often than I feel comfortable. My last post was titled Depression Won’t Destroy Me, but it feels like it is destroying me. It feels like my demons are getting the better of me, that I can’t keep fighting against them. And I’m so mad, because I know that I have no choice in this, I know that I have to keep fighting against them. I just want to give in, to not exist, but as usual, I’m putting everyone else before myself.

I can’t understand why life has to be so horrible for so many wonderful people. I can’t understand why the bad things in my life had to happen to me – why did I have to be abused by multiple guys? Why do I have to constantly remember it? Why do I feel like my own parents can’t love me, that I’m the black sheep in my family, that I’m nothing but a disappointment and a failure to them? Why did I have to grow up under their emotional abuse? Why can’t I ever be loved or desired? Nothing in this world makes sense to me. I have so many questions and I just can’t find the answers to them, and it’s so frustrating. I just can’t figure out why I have to be like this.

I try to stay positive; I want to give people hope that things will get better, but how can I do that when I myself am feeling hopeless? I try to convince people that they’re not worthless, that there are other options besides self-harm, but how can I do that when it just makes me a hypocrite? How can I support people if I’m too damaged? Too broken? Too hypocritical? My mind wants to push away the new friends, the new family, that I’ve made. It wants to punish me. Maybe it’s its way of pushing me closer to death – get rid of everything I care about, then surely I won’t be able to survive any longer. I’ve always known myself to be a self-saboteur – when things start getting good, I find some way to ruin it. I always ruin it. I fail at everything. I ask myself, what even is the point of going to university? I’m just going to fail at that too. I’m going too fail at my relationship. I’m going to fail with my friendships. I’m going to fail at being an Angel for the MH Crisis Angels. I’m going to fail at ever getting better. I’m just going to fail. And then I’ll be too broken to get up again.

I’m just so tired of fighting against it all, fighting against all the negativity and the uncomfortable feelings and just fighting to stay alive. I’m tired of being pulled deep under the surface, fighting my way back up, and then just being dragged down again. I’m so tired and I’m so exhausted.

But yet, I know I’ll still keep fighting.

I’ll keep fighting, because I know that’s what I have to do. I know my demons are desperate to pull me down, and that I can’t give in to them. I know self-harm is an unhealthy coping mechanism, and I can’t give up giving it up. I know that I can be stronger. I know I can overcome it. But… that day isn’t today. Today I’m going to allow myself to feel the stinging in my arms, and I’m going to let myself acknowledge that the stinging doesn’t make me a failure. I’m going to let myself feel these uncomfortable feelings, and know that they don’t make me a loser, a burden, a nuisance, a freak. They make me a warrior, a spartan, because I refuse to give in.

Today I’m not okay. But that is perfectly okay.

 

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25 thoughts on “Today I’m not okay”

  1. Feeling the bad stuff is healthy, usually if we remember the crap stuff it’s because our brains are healing too. They are trying to rewire and take things from the negative! Take it step by step. With MH Angels, don’t do do yourself down you haven’t given yourself a chance yet x

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    1. Thank you! It’s just been pretty overwhelming lately, I need to keep reminding myself I’ve made progress since the start of the year. I really appreciate your support ❤ xx

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  2. Kate, you ARE a warrior and I have a feeling the reason you ended on a positive note was bc you wrote out all of ur deep and dark feelings and it was therapeutic. Just me guessing anyway. But as usual, great post and thank you for sharing it. It is definitely okay to not be okay.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re right. It IS okay. It’s such a frustrating feeling, one day feeling like depression isn’t gonna win and the next day feeling like it’s winning. I know how exhausting that is; I’m right in the middle of a bad day, too. Keep fighting honey. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so right about the one day feeling like it’s not going to win and then the next feeling like it is, it’s a constant for me, the up and down of it is horrible. I’m sorry to hear you’re in the middle of a bad day, but you’re so strong, we’re both warriors ❤

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  4. Darling you are a warrior, stronger than you realise hun. All too often life is so hectic that we forget about our own health. I like many othet tweeters have your back hun.you have come a long way hun although rocky hun. the work you do for metal health in being there for people and your blogg, helps others to identify mental health issues. Be proud, stand tall you are good. You have achieved alot. Yes it’s ok not be ok, but look at your achievements.xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is so beautiful, thank you so much ❤ it's hard to see my achievements over the bad stuff, but I really am trying to get to a better place, and I can't give that up. I'm just hoping I can show people that they can keep fighting xx

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  5. Is it weird that this post REALLY helps me?! Those same thoughts attack me. I can easily see that they are not true for you. Maybe they are not true in my life either? I am so glad you shared this. We don’t just float from success to success.

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  6. You remind me of my 16 yr old. She cuts and struggles with anxiety and depression. She has good days but her down days make me so sad. I keep telling her to fight but easy for me to say. I remind her this is temporary. Unfortunately so are the good days. Ugh it sucks. I’m sorry. I struggle too but not with the same things. Today I had therapy and talked about my deep seated insecurities. I left feeling like shit. I came home and ate half a carton of ice cream and cried. I sabotage myself in other ways. And I push people away. I make zero efforts to be around people. I have literally given up on it. But it’s supposedly because I am stuck in my need for someone to tell me I matter. Theoretically, my therapist says, I shouldn’t need others to validate me. OK well theoretically, I’m a loser. Whatever. Bad days, good days… I wish i had more good than bad but lately that’s been tough.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry to hear that both you and your 16 year old are having such a hard time. Eating half a carton if ice cream and crying sounds like a great form of self-care! And it’s okay if you need validation, I think a lot of people too, but it is so important to learn self-validation as well. I hope the good days will become more frequent for you ❤

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