Today my arms are stinging.
It was just another day where fresh scars are added to my arms. I keep trying and trying to fight back against my depression and anxiety and trauma, and I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I feel like no matter how hard I try to fight, it will never be enough. I don’t feel like I can win this battle. I’m seeing blood seep down my arms more times than I should, I feel tears in my eyes more often than I feel comfortable. My last post was titled Depression Won’t Destroy Me, but it feels like it is destroying me. It feels like my demons are getting the better of me, that I can’t keep fighting against them. And I’m so mad, because I know that I have no choice in this, I know that I have to keep fighting against them. I just want to give in, to not exist, but as usual, I’m putting everyone else before myself.
I can’t understand why life has to be so horrible for so many wonderful people. I can’t understand why the bad things in my life had to happen to me – why did I have to be abused by multiple guys? Why do I have to constantly remember it? Why do I feel like my own parents can’t love me, that I’m the black sheep in my family, that I’m nothing but a disappointment and a failure to them? Why did I have to grow up under their emotional abuse? Why can’t I ever be loved or desired? Nothing in this world makes sense to me. I have so many questions and I just can’t find the answers to them, and it’s so frustrating. I just can’t figure out why I have to be like this.
I try to stay positive; I want to give people hope that things will get better, but how can I do that when I myself am feeling hopeless? I try to convince people that they’re not worthless, that there are other options besides self-harm, but how can I do that when it just makes me a hypocrite? How can I support people if I’m too damaged? Too broken? Too hypocritical? My mind wants to push away the new friends, the new family, that I’ve made. It wants to punish me. Maybe it’s its way of pushing me closer to death – get rid of everything I care about, then surely I won’t be able to survive any longer. I’ve always known myself to be a self-saboteur – when things start getting good, I find some way to ruin it. I always ruin it. I fail at everything. I ask myself, what even is the point of going to university? I’m just going to fail at that too. I’m going too fail at my relationship. I’m going to fail with my friendships. I’m going to fail at being an Angel for the MH Crisis Angels. I’m going to fail at ever getting better. I’m just going to fail. And then I’ll be too broken to get up again.
I’m just so tired of fighting against it all, fighting against all the negativity and the uncomfortable feelings and just fighting to stay alive. I’m tired of being pulled deep under the surface, fighting my way back up, and then just being dragged down again. I’m so tired and I’m so exhausted.
But yet, I know I’ll still keep fighting.
I’ll keep fighting, because I know that’s what I have to do. I know my demons are desperate to pull me down, and that I can’t give in to them. I know self-harm is an unhealthy coping mechanism, and I can’t give up giving it up. I know that I can be stronger. I know I can overcome it. But… that day isn’t today. Today I’m going to allow myself to feel the stinging in my arms, and I’m going to let myself acknowledge that the stinging doesn’t make me a failure. I’m going to let myself feel these uncomfortable feelings, and know that they don’t make me a loser, a burden, a nuisance, a freak. They make me a warrior, a spartan, because I refuse to give in.
Today I’m not okay. But that is perfectly okay.