Unanswered Questions

TRIGGER WARNING ~~ predatory behaviour, rape, pedophile

This is a bit of a pointless blog post; there’s no profound meaning behind it, no insights, no answers. Just questions and confusion and a whole bunch of messed up behaviours.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who knows how hard it is to find a good GP, so believe me when I tell you how lucky I feel to have finally found a good one that I can trust, even if it means I have to travel an hour to see her. On Thursday I had an appointment with her, so I made a bit of a trip out of it, saw one sister and picked up my computer from her house, and then went to the house next door to see my other sister and her housemate. Ever since, I’ve been in a bad, low mood, and I wasn’t quite sure why until I’d thought about it a million times.

So buckle up, it’s story time. To try to get rid of some of the confusion, the characters in this story are: Neighbour Guy (he was my old neighbour when I lived in this town); Sister (obviously my sister); Out of State (OS) Guy (a potential love interest for Neighbour Guy who has come to visit from out of state and is staying with Neighbour Guy and Sister), and Other Guy (another potential love interest for Neighbour Guy and also apparently OS Guy? who lives in the same town).

Let me just begin by saying I don’t particularly care what people choose to do with their love lives, it’s their business. As long as I’m not involved, whatever, you do you.

So, Neighbour Guy is 27 years old, and as you can see from the character list, he’s gay. Apparently, from what I’ve gathered, he’s been talking to OS Guy for about a year and has been arranging for OS Guy to come visit, so OS Guy is currently staying with Neighbour Guy and Sister. I don’t know how old OS Guy is, but he’s somewhere in his 20’s. Neighbour Guy and OS Guy are flirting up a storm and being all cuddly while I’m visiting. They seem pretty interested in each other. Then when I was alone with Sister she told me about Other Guy who also hasn’t admitted to being gay and has never been with a guy but who is clearly interested in Neighbour Guy, constantly flirting with him and going so far as to grab him in a private area. Here’s where disapproval for Other Guy starts for me. Sister tells me that Neighbour Guy is interested in Other Guy as well, and would choose Other Guy over OS Guy. Then, while Neighbour Guy has gone to work for a couple of hours, Other Guy and OS Guy begin flirting up a storm. Sister tells me that it’s been going on for a while, and has even happened in front of Neighbour Guy. Other Guy has made repeated jokes about ‘going down’ on Neighbour Guy, and when Neighbour Guy was gone, made similar jokes to OS Guy (in front of everyone). The whole situation seems messy, but again, whatever, it’s their business.

But. Remember when I said Neighbour Guy and OS Guy are both in their 20s? Other Guy is 17. In my state, 17 is the age of consent for heterosexual and homosexual sex, but I still feel so disgusted by it. I’m disgusted that Neighbour Guy and OS Guy would be even remotely interested in a 17 year old. Because 17 is the age of consent, I feel like I’m being judgemental and I feel bad for feeling so disgusted by it. But Other Guy is so clearly immature, as majority of 17 year olds are. I watched him while I was there, and from the way he talked about his desire to get drunk, the way he was guzzling down the alcohol, the smoking. It felt really clear to me that he’s vulnerable and inexperienced. Maybe one of the reasons I feel so disturbed by this is because he reminded me of myself at that age, and my own trauma is cropping up and impairing my vision. I just feel like Neighbour Guy and OS Guy are taking advantage of his inexperience and vulnerability.

After a bit, I decided it was time for me to go – I didn’t feel comfortable being around OS Guy and Other Guy – so Sister came to my car with me. She began talking about Other Guy, saying how he’s got a 6 pack, is good looking, and then she says, “see, he doesn’t like 17, does he?”. I felt dumbfounded and disgusted. To me, he looked like a baby.

But this has just made me start to wonder. Is that how older, predatory people see young people? Is that how the 19 year old who raped me saw me? Did he not see me as a baby, but rather, someone who didn’t look 12? Did he think, “she doesn’t look 12, does she?”? Was age not even a factor in his mind? Is that how he could do what he did to me?

And now, after all of this triggering, comes the real kicker. OS Guy has the same name as the 19 year old. The 19 year old whose name to me is like ‘Voldemort’ in the Harry Potter universe. The 19 year old whose name I can’t say unless I stammer it out in therapy. The 19 year old whose name brings me fear. And you know what? I didn’t even realise OS Guy has the same name as 19 year old until Sister texted me with OS Guy’s name in it, and then it hit me like a tonne of bricks. And now I feel like a fraud. I never said OS Guy’s name out loud while I was there, but other people said his name around me, and I didn’t react, I’m not sure if the 19 year old even came to my mind. How can I be so affected by a name, and then not even realise what it means when I hear it? Does that just make me an attention seeker, someone who unconsciously pretends to be affected by the name for the attention?

As usual, there are so many questions with answers that I’ll never know. With answers that no one else can provide me with. It’s hard living in a world with so many unanswered questions. But at least I’ve answered the question as to why I’ve been in a bad mood since Thursday.

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